Reaching boys

1. Focused attention

2. Eye contact

3. Physical contact

4. Wrestling

Boys love to wrestle. They love to match their strength against an adult's strength to see how they are shaping up (the Bible states 'the glory of young men is their strength'). Play wrestling teaches boys self control - physically, emotionally, mentally and even sexually (meaning they won't initially be overwhelmed when a girl touches them since they are used to being touched by others). There are many boys who are never touched by anyone. Sometimes a boy will engage me in wrestling and he will very quickly simply hold my hand while continuing with an outward show of the wrestling match - so lonely are the many boys who are touch deprived.

There is a saying among youth workers that if you want to quickly reach a teenage boy, then apprpriate physical contact can do the trick. For parents and guardians this is easy - all you have to do is initiate the interaction and match your strength to theirs. Let him win sometimes.

For youth leaders it is not quite so easy. A bit of good natured bumping might work OK ('accidentally' bumping into them as you walk past them). Games involving physical contact of the group mostly work OK too. The exposure of pedophile activity has created various levels of suspicion surrounding all who work with youth. You need to establish the level of acceptable physical interaction and the safeguards needed from the organization that you operate under.

Some may think this close male contact with the boy could set up a path to gay relationships in the future. The opposite appears to be the truth. From research I have read and from personal observations, this sort of attention from an older male satisfies the teenage boy's unasked question 'Am I acceptable as a male?'. Once this question is satisfied then he would move on to the next stage in his mental development, usually an increased interest in girls.

When this question goes unanswered, it can stay deep within the boy and become sexualized and manifest as gay fantasies - looking for that male bonding that never happened as a boy. The mental development never moves on properly from that 'stall' point. One of the key factors was being able to reach them at a critical time with the unspoken message 'You're OK as a male - I welcome you as a male into the world of men'. On other occasions the message had to be 'screamed' out in the form of a rite-of-passage into male adulthood. (see the page Manhood)

As a youth leader I deliberately make sure I greet each young person whenever our paths cross. I go up to the guy (focused attention), shake their hand with our unique two stage hand shake (physical attention) and don't let go of their hand until they look me in the eye (eye contact). They quickly learn the routine and mostly come up to me now wanting to shake my hand and at the same time looking for the eye contact. This is enough for them to know that 'Tyler cares that I'm here'. This small amount of regular one-on-one interaction is mostly enough to give them peace that their relationship with me (as leader) is secure and fine.

If there is a group I am greeting, they each wait their turn. They know me well enough that I won't leave them out. They don't have to resort to doing dumb things to try and get my attention. Boys will do whatever it takes to get an adult's attention and it is a bonus to train them to fulfill that need with positive interactions like this.

Guys are great with non-verbal communication. I find when volunteering overseas where verbal communication is not possible, bonds are still formed with the boys. Mostly this happens with an 'arm wrestle' style hand shake. The interaction time and subtle pressure of the hands speak volumes to each other. The same could work for your boy.

I have found growling softly beside an individual boy (who you have known for a while) to work well too! A non communicative boy will nearly always respond if I get near him and then without warning start growling softly like a dog looking for a fight. My experience is that they will respond the same way back to you. Once this interaction is established they will often growl softly later as they walk past you and obviously I respond in the same way. It's a bridge - what else can I say?

Once you have reached them relationally by what you do, then it is much easier to reach them verbally.

I always use the boy's given Christian name - even if every one else calls him by a 'nickname'. I always work hard on remembering their name too, even to the point of writing it down. The second time you meet a boy will either make or break your relationship with him by whether you have remembered his name. Names associate the true identity of the person, since when all else is gone, the name is still there. To use the given name seems to imply your acceptance of the person. Sometimes you are the only person in the world who uses the boy's real name - that has to make you stand out in his mind and make him feel special to you.

Boys have an inbuilt need to know where the boundaries are. Without this sure knowledge they are insecure and will keep testing you to find where the real boundaries are located in your world. For boys to be content each needs to know:

1. Who is in charge?
2. What are the rules?
3. What are the consequences for disobeying the rules?

You as a parent or youth leader will initially be tested and then periodically retested to establish or confirm the boundaries. The silent questions being asked are generally:

• Does this adult love me enough to stop me doing injury to myself?
• Does this adult love me enough to honor his own boundaries so I won't be injured?

A typical situation which occurs often when in the car is to have the teenager tell me to break the speed limit or lay rubber. If I follow his suggestion then I proclaim that my boundaries are not strong and anyone can talk me into stepping past them. 'This man may not be safe to be with - I need to test him some more' is the teenager's subconscious response.

While the boy may say to his friends (and parents) how great it was that we were doing 160 km/h (exaggerated), you may find an increasing reluctance for him to get back in the car with you. You have really proclaimed that you don't care enough about his safety and security to obey the speed limit. Testing you this way can also help the guy respond courageously when others are urging him to do stupid things driving a car. Teenagers seem to have a fear of death and carnage on the road and so testing your boundaries in this area is quite common.

Very few teenage boys can sit down and have a face to face meaningful conversation with an adult. You mostly need to distract them to have a real conversation. I use television, bike riding, ball games, car trips. Anything to distract his attention from himself. Gradually little bits of important information begin to seep out, each being a test to see if you can handle the bigger stuff being thrown around in his mind.

If you are an adult male you are halfway there already since all teenage boys are looking for an older male's acceptance. They want to interact with someone in your position.

Support his dreams for the future. Don't use your teenager to help you achieve your personal dreams. If a teenager has a dream of being a soccer star then support him by watching him play regularly and helping with soccer skills. Circumstances may or may not open the door to a soccer future but you can't be blamed for the closed soccer door because of the support you gave.

Enjoy shared interests. Help him mend the flat tire on his bike. Build him up as a person so he has enough confidence to tackle the world head on. His dreams will lead him on from there when you are not around.

When he becomes obnoxious, remember that love is a choice, not necessarily a feeling. It is then that you keep loving selflessly, with nothing in return. (in the Bible there is a description of what real love is all about - see 1 Corinthians chapter 13). Continue to let him know either directly or indirectly 'You're OK' - mostly without using those words.

How do you keep their emotional tank full? By speaking 'boy' language. By conveying love through actions to your teenager.

I work for a government organization, and a lot is said in the workplace with peoples' ideas and thoughts about the work process. Some of it is relevant to a certain extent, however, let something be put in writing and it carries weight and authority.

You can do the same with your teenager - put your thoughts towards him into writing and see what a dramatic, enduring event you have created. Your letter of blessing to him will last well beyond your appointment with the grave. Your spoken words fade and become drowned out by life. Your written words reinforce your original thoughts as though you were there in the room reading them out aloud again. This can be a great add-on to a rite-of-passage celebration.

See these sample letters to give you some ideas.

I heard a story of a father who wrote a letter to his unborn child just before being sent off for active war duty. The father was killed in battle, and years later, the letter was discovered and given to the son. The letter carries a weight in the young man's life which can only be imagined. It left an enduring bond between these two men who have never met.

Gary Chapman in his best selling book 'The Five Love Languages of Teenagers' notes five distinct love languages that all people communicate with to some degree. The languages are:

1. Affirming words

Telling the other person they are OK and appreciating the things they do

2. Physical touch

Appropriate to convey affection and emotional closeness

3. Quality time

'Wasting' time with the person

4. Acts of service

Doing things to serve the other person

5. Gifts

Giving a gift - not just at Christmas and birthdays

Everybody responds to love expressed mainly in one or two of these areas. If you are a gift giver and your son responds to words of affirmation as his primary love language, then your attempt to convey love doesn't reach his heart when you present a gift. And if you never give him those affirming words, he will build up a picture that you don't love him.

You have to speak the right language in your relationships - if you do, a little effort gives great results. I recommend to get the book and sharpen your skills.

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